From outsider's perspective

You pinch your sides and make a disgusted sound as you find skin between your fingers. You have barely eaten in last four days and even though your stomach growls and pleads, you choose to ignore it because you know you would just puke it all out. The pressure on your chest not only keeps you from breathing, it keeps your from eating, from walking, from talking as you put up that gorgeous smile of yours and tell your therapist that you are okay. Of course you are okay. When you texted her about your self-destructive thoughts, it was just because you were tired. You tell that sleep fixed it all. At the same time you try to keep the ever growing anxiety under your control.


At home you avoid your father and sister when they ask about your day and just lock yourself up in your room. You collapse on the bed and release the anxiety and self pity that have kept clawing your chest for few hours straight. You check your phone to see if he has messaged to you, but your Whatsapp is empty and you dare not to text him first, afraid of the answer you might get.

You pull out hand-sized mirror and take a deep breath before meeting those beautiful green eyes of your reflection.
You jaw stiffens as you bite your teeth together. You are obviously disappointed of what you are seeing, but only because you don't look hard enough or stare a bit longer.
You see uneven teeth when you smile, messed up eyebrows because you have no patience to refine them. You see skin peeling off from your nose and cheeks where the sun touched you a bit too hard. You run fingers through your hair and think if he'd love you more if you were to grow it out or dye it with specific color.
I shake my head as I watch tears start running down your cheeks and your head filling up with thoughts like ”I am not enough”, ”I don't deserve anything good” and ”I am such a fuck up”.
It is a shame how you never think of what good you've done. You only see your mistakes and flaws and you never seem to find energy to look or move past them.
What if I tell you that you have saved lives by being there, listening when no one else would? What if I tell you that he really thinks that you are the most beautiful thing in this universe despite all the flaws you think that make you unlovable? What if I said that your friends think that you are really epic fun and they feel safe with you because they know that you won't judge them? What if I said that you are worth every good thing that happens to you in this life or that you are so strong for being able to battle against yourself day after day?
You open your eyes as my thoughts finally reach you.
It might take months or decades before you can finally look your reflection or photograph of yourself, smile and truly say that you love yourself. But I know you can make it. You are protagonists of your own story and like every protagonist, you too will face hardships that will almost drown you. But luckily we know that main characters will always make it.

~*~*~*~

Hi guys! Sorry for slacking off for one day. Been struggling with my mental health for few days. This piece was born because of that actually.
This is supposed to be me looking at myself, but you can interpret is as you want. The ending is bit slacky. Need to practice how to write endings.

Even tho this is kinda depressing, I hope you enjoy ♥